Tag Archives: United States

W.I.S.S. – The Word “Spinster”

spinster [spin-ster] Disparaging and Offensive. a woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying.  Arabic: عانِس، عوانس

Being a 34 year old lady, I’m again reminded of the word “spinster”. I’m convinced that the word must’ve been phrased by a very bitter person back in medieval times (be it in any language). The fact that the word is almost only applied to ladies makes me hate the word even more. It’s sexist, hurtful, divisive and discriminatory on so many levels.

The first time I heard the word “spinster”, I was 19 years old. It was said to me by an older lady with limited education whom wanted me for her son so he can move to America. I didn’t pay much mind to her at the time. Maybe because I knew what her intentions were. Or because I was too young to understand that word at the time.

That word really didn’t hit me hard until a couple of years later when it was said to me by someone I once liked and respected. From then on, I heard that word more often than necessary. When I decided to go to graduate school, I was told I would never find a husband. When I decided to travel, I was told that I wasn’t making an effort to find a husband. Every time the subject of marriage came up, I was reminded by random people to stop being picky because I was becoming a spinster.

This all happened before I turned 30.

As much as I try not to let it bother me, it bothers me. It’s derogatory and very offensive, more so to those whom actually are looking for someone to share their lives with but haven’t. I’m not alone on this as per my conversations with people between the U.S., Egypt, Qatar and beyond. Whom decided what age a lady (or a man) should be married? Whom decided that if you don’t have children before a certain age, your prime has come to an end? Whom decided that men only want to marry a lady within a specific age group?

I have relatives in Egypt that have passed this unbeknowth marital age for one of many reasons. One cousin has dedicated his life to his work and found it difficult to find someone from the humble country town whom would share and support his passion. Another cousin in the same town and of the same age sided with her demanding parents of unrealistic expectations which has caused a hault in suitors coming through the door.

Even though the culture in Egypt asks that both parties’ families share in the financial costs, there’s this pattern of making it more difficult than necessary to get married. Anything outside of marriage is haram but the halal way has been made to be so difficult, it’s almost near impossible. And those whom wait too long to be able to go about it the halal way? They’re now spinsters.

In Qatar, I’ve met people whom remained single simply for financial reasons while others were divorced but still paying back some hefty marital related loans. Unlike in Egypt, men here are burdened with all the finances to get married and start a family. As the culture here is very tribal, there’s this “keeping up with the Jones” mentality. If one family did something, you had to do the same if not better. Even if you couldn’t afford it, you borrowed for it. I know at least two of my friends whom have been divorced in under 5 years of their marriage just over financial troubles. They got married like the Jones, but they couldn’t LIVE like them. And those that choose to wait, refusing to be a statisic? They’re now spinsters.

In the U.S., it’s a real mixed bag between the cultures but the mindset of spinsterhood is still there. People are in awe when a 40 year old celebrity gets married. Did you see the rukous over George Clooney “finally getting married”?

However, from my personal experiences within the Muslim and Arab community back home, some of this ideology exists. If a man marries a lady beyond the age of 30, it’s as if he performed a charitable act. If a lady marries a man beyond that age, it’s because he’s rich or she couldn’t get someone her age. It can’t ever be because two people loved each other, God forbid.

Sigh.

And let’s back track for a second here, is it just me or do those that barrage us with “get married already” comments the ones whom are completely unhappy in their marriage? Seriously, I have yet to be approached by a happily married person, aside from my mother and aunties, about my marital status. Maybe it’s because those happy in their marriages know what it takes to be in a happy relationship. It doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t just marry the first person that crosses your path.

Maybe it’s because those happy in their marriages are happy because they actually lived their lives, learned to care for themselves before they were ready to share it with someone else. Maybe the happier you are, the happier your relationship. If you happiness depends on someone else, you will in fact be miserable in that relationship. Sometimes, one is not destined to be married with 3 kids living in a house with a white picket fence by the age of 25.

I can’t image being married at 25. Hell, I can’t image being married at 34!

At 25, while many of my friends were ready to join the marriage club, I was taking care of my family while starting graduate school. I was no where near ready to be married let alone even date at the time. People go through different phases in their lives at different ages. There really is no structure or time frame for one of the most important commitments in one’s life.

Let’s be honest, when the time comes, it’ll come. People nagging us into something you aren’t ready for doesn’t help. Using the word “spinster” only makes it worse.

So ladies, when a miserable hater comes at you with, “when are you getting married already?”

Just tell them, “I’d rather be a happy spinster than a miserable wife.”

Tarrington Spinster
image c/o  grave-mistakes.blogspot.com
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A Prayer for 2016

Has 2015 come to an end already?

Alhamdulillah, this year was an interesting one for me but may not have been for others around the world. Back home, this year was a violent one in the US. The refugee crisis struck a cord with many of us around the world. The GCC saw a dip in the economy that made us say “good bye” to many of our expat friends. We’ve also had to say too many “good byes” to family and friends whom departed us for the heavens.

Praying for some form of peace and calm back home in the US. Praying for some form of stability for those trying to escape these unnecessary wars. Praying for some form of unity for those with many miles between us. Praying for God’s eternal peace and light upon out loved ones that have left this life. Ameen.

I pray that your year was good and that the next year only gets better. I pray that your year was full of knowledge and that the next year only gets better. I pray that your year was full of compassion and that the next year only gets better. I pray that you found your path, your place, your peace and that the next year only gets better. Ameen.

May you and yours have a blessed and rewarding 2016.

Image c/o Revista

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”  -Martin Luther King Jr.

Seeing what has just happened back home in the United States, I’m heart broken and saddened that justice was not served for the death of Trayvon Martin, a child defending himself from a gun toting creep following him. With this, today’s quote seems befitting.

#HoodiesUp
image via Twitter
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -MLK Jr.
image via copblock.com

A Public Letter to the State of Oklahoma

Dear State of Oklahoma,

Let me start off my sending you my congratulations on electing Mary Fallin, your first female governor who believed she’s more experienced then her opponent because she had children. Good luck with that one!

Now, as a Muslim American, I find it extremely laughable (as well as offensive) that you had a proposition in your ballot to prevent judges from using Islamic Law as well as not recognizing other international laws. I’m no law expert but if I remember correctly, the entire United States never has resorted to enforcing Islamic Law (aka Sharia). Even many “Muslim” countries don’t base their legal system on Islamic Law. What the United States has done however is giving everyone the freedom to practice their religion freely… you know, the First Amendment, freedom of speech, religion, press, etc. So, I’m a bit confused as to what your whole basis of this proposition was from the beginning.

I personally think that you are just that ignorant and arrogant about Muslims to have such a proposition in your ballot. Do you even know how many Muslim Americans you have living in your state? No…? I figured so I’ll tell you. You have about 25,000 Muslim Americans living in your state. FYI, you have a population of over 3 MILLION. Again, that’s 25,000 out of 3,450,654.

Now let’s put everything in perspective here… because you’re ignorant and arrogant about the Muslims in your state, you have now messed up how you’ll handle international business contracts, honoring marriages/divorces that happened out of the country and not recognizing international human rights agreements. That last one bothers me but then again you wouldn’t care… you just want to make sure those “mozlems” don’t make you follow that damned Sharia law in your state, right? Right.

I’m just glad as a “mozlem” that CAIR had something to say about it. Good luck with that one!

Not Yours,

Ms. Hala

UPDATE: CAIR did something about it! As of this week, a federal judge has blocked the ban against Islamic Law due to it being unconstitutional. Read more from the Huffington Post and Yahoo! News. Oklahoma, good luck with that one!