Restless sleep. Work. Family. News. Health. Stress. Joyless. Doom scroll. Barely sleeping. Working hard. Caring for family. Shit news. Let’s run a few tests. Stressing. Annoyed. Doom Scrolling. Sleepless night. Working harder. Focusing on family. Shitty news. Results look good. Still stressing. Spend the weekend in bed. Travel brings me joy. Break for a vacation! I didn’t want to come back… Restless sleep. Work. Family. News. Health. Stress. Joyless. Doom scroll. Another year goes by. What am I doing?

I bemoaned this life.

Half the time I don’t want to wake up. I begrudgingly got out of bed every morning. I rush out to work, missing Fajr prayer and honey in my coffee. I stared at myself in the rear view mirror, promising her the burnout will bear fruit. How can the burned bear any fruit? I had to sit with myself for a long time to find the answer to that question. The only answer I came up with was, “I need to slow down.”

Pushed to my wits end, I finally put pen to paper and drafted out a plan. Then I prayed Estekhara*. When in doubt, anxious, or scared, praying soothes the soul. Conversing with God and a journal puts me in the head space to stand firm on long overdue decisions. To trust myself.

After resigning from my job, I promised myself that this would be a slow September. No vacations or an escape planned, just a break to focus on me. Making time to deal with 2-3 things instead of the never ending list of to-dos and deadlines.

The next day I stayed in bed an extra few minutes longer. Those minutes were more restful than the six hours prior. 

I calmly prepared to pray Fajr. I took my time brewing my morning coffee with honey. I even popped a couple waffles in the toaster. I sat in my backyard that I’ve neglected for months. I savored every sip as hummingbirds and bluebirds zoomed through the air while a squirrel ran from tree to tree.

Stop eating the grass Doha!**

The next morning after praying Fajr, I did something I hadn’t done in years. I put on my walking shoes and took a sunrise walk. It was dark but the air was crisp. The birds sang for the sun to break through. Turkeys walked by with enthusiastic regards. Quail mamas guiding the little ones between trees. Squirrels getting out of their way.

I did something I hadn’t been able to do in so long. I stopped and smelled the flowers still in bloom. Purple. Pink. White. Blue. So many colors, shapes, and scents. I lost track of time.

Almost every morning since, I lost track of time. Every morning, I enjoyed my home brewed coffee. Every other day I watered the backyard. My journal pages changed like the sky at sunrise. 

With every client call, I was focused yet comfortable. Conversations flowed easily. With the recent seasonal offer, it simplified dealing with every anxious client. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t adding to their jitters. Or mine, really.

Even at the hospital with my parent for their appointment, I was focused yet at ease. We’d converse and laugh before assuring them it’s all going to be OK. Assuring myself, mostly.

The eldest daughter syndrome is very real. It’s ingrained in us to please and care for everyone else, until we forget our own vessel is empty. And you can’t pour into another’s cup from an empty vessel.

So I woke up every morning determined to keep my vessel full.

Restful sleep. Prayer. Coffee. Walk. Crisp air. Birds. Trees. Squirrels. Flowers. Journal. Family. News. Health. Joyful. Laughter. Peace. A full vessel.

* estekhara prayer or salat elestekhara (صلاة الاستخارة) is performed by Muslims when seeking guidance in making a difficult decision.
** my cat, Ms. Doha, has a habit of eating grass which makes her vomit hours later.